There are seven players on each team (three Chasers, one Keeper, two Beaters and one Seeker), four balls (one Quaffle, two Bludgers and one Snitch), three hoops (but you can only score the Quaffle in them), ten points per goal, and 150 points if you catch the Snitch, which also ends the game. Also, it’s all played on broomsticks.
See? Entirely and utterly straightforward.
Not everyone can be adamant sports fans, but there are shortcuts along the way should you find yourself in an awkward group discussion about Quidditch. You know, if Quidditch was real. But never mind that. Thanks to our handy guide, look forward to hordes of new admirers as you wow the world with your sudden encyclopedic knowledge. You’re welcome!
Remember it’s played on brooms
A really important fact not to forget about Quidditch is that it’s played in the sky, unlike your boring ground sports like football and netball. So, when discussing said game, throw in a few references to the fact that you actually know the sport involves flying, otherwise you’ll get a lot of stick. And we don’t mean broomsticks.
Don’t pick an obvious favourite team
In the wizarding world, the likes of the Tutshill Tornados are one of your top dogs in the game, so when you’re embroiled in a match debate, the key sign of a Quidditch expert is to think outside the box, pick an up-and-coming team instead of one everyone has heard of.
For example, Ron Weasley’s favourite team, the Chudley Cannons, may have had their day, but are still a good, realistic team to support. You’ll be respected for staying faithful to a team past their prime, and also get a bit of ribbing for your choice, as is traditional in sports-based banter.
Remember key players’ names
We know it’s difficult to remember the names of people in the same room as you, let alone Quidditch players from across the globe, but you must have a few key names to hand just in case someone says ‘Mullet’ and you think they’re referring to a haircut. (They are, of course, referring to the Chaser from the Irish National Quidditch team.)
A good player to mention is Dragomir Gorgovitch, a popular Chaser who did wonders for the Chudley Cannons during Harry and Ron’s time at school. And by ‘did wonders’ we mean held the record for most Quaffle drops in a season.
If you want to accredit a more classic player, go for Ludo Bagman, a former star of the Wimbourne Wasps who worked for the Ministry of Magic. Not knowing who Ludo Bagman is as terrible a crime as saying ‘Who’s Andy Murray?’
Know your Quidditch controversies
In these epic Quidditch chats you’ll be having, be prepared for huge Quidditch historical references to pop up. Imagine talking about Muggle football and not knowing who won the 1966 World Cup, for example. (It was England, by the way.)
A good example to reference is the 1473 Quidditch World Cup, the final of which was unique in featuring all 700 types of Quidditch foul. So saying, ‘I haven’t seen a game this bleak since 1473’ will win you guaranteed nods from your companions.
Don’t get your sports mixed up
Whatever you do, above all other, do not say something terrible like ‘Red card! Send him off!’ Such a faux pas will make you the laughing stock of your Quidditch-loving friendship group. Although Quidditch does share some facets of other beautiful games, such as goal-scoring and blatant fouling, imagine the embarrassment of saying something like ‘offside’. Tread carefully.
So there you have it. Absorb these expert tips and you too can be a champion of Quidditch small-talk in a matter of moments. Award yourself one miniature Firebolt (that’s a broomstick) and a palm-sized figure of Viktor Krum. (That’s a player.)
...Okay, maybe you still have more to learn.