Magic and Muggles
The Weasleys all clearly skipped Muggle Studies, and the Dursleys definitely have a no-wizards-welcome policy. So those times their worlds collided are some of our favourite funny moments.
When Mrs Weasley gave the postman a right laugh
He held up the envelope in which Mrs Weasley’s letter had come, and Harry had to fight down a laugh. Every bit of it was covered in stamps except for a square inch on the front, into which Mrs Weasley had squeezed the Dursleys’ address in minute writing. ‘She did put enough stamps on, then,’ said Harry, trying to sound as though Mrs Weasley’s was a mistake anyone could make.
When your best mate lives with owl-hating Muggles so you need to learn how to use a telephone
‘Vernon Dursley speaking.’ Harry, who happened to be in the room at the time, froze as he heard Ron’s voice answer. ‘HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I – WANT – TO – TALK – TO – HARRY – POTTER!’
Sorry, a “fellytone”
‘I’ll fix it up with Mum and Dad, then I’ll call you. I know how to use a fellytone now –’ ‘A telephone, Ron,’ said Hermione. ‘Honestly, you should take Muggle Studies next year ...’
When Floo Powder’s out, and electric fireplaces are all the rage
‘Damn!’ said Mr Weasley’s voice. ‘What on earth did they want to block up the fireplace for?’ ‘They’ve got an electric fire,’ Harry explained. ‘Really?’ said Mr Weasley’s voice excitedly. ‘Ecklectic, you say? With a plug? Gracious, I must see that …
When Harry can’t use magic outside of school, but Dudley doesn’t need to know
‘Jiggery pokery!’ said Harry in a fierce voice. ‘Hocus pocus ... squiggly wiggly ...’ ‘MUUUUUUM!’ howled Dudley, tripping over his feet as he dashed back towards the house. ‘MUUUUM! He’s doing you know what!’
Ron and Hermione
Ron and Hermione remind us that the key to a good relationship is a lot of a laughter.
When Ron had to remind the smartest witch of her age of a fundamental fact
‘HAVE YOU GONE MAD?’ Ron bellowed. ‘ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?’
But forgot another fundamental fact…
But Ron was staring at Hermione as though suddenly seeing her in a whole new light. ‘Hermione, Neville’s right – you are a girl ...’ ‘Oh, well spotted,’ she said acidly.
When Hermione couldn’t bear to leave the Hogwarts library behind
‘Oh, of course,’ said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. ‘I forgot we’ll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.’
When a dodgy spell-checking quill makes correcting Ron’s homework even harder
‘… because we were asked how we’d deal with Dementors, not “Dugbogs”, and I don’t remember you changing your name to “Roonil Wazlib”, either.’
When ‘The Boy Who Lived’ just doesn’t cut it as a nickname anymore
‘Then why,’ asked Snape, ‘does it have the name “Roonil Wazlib” written inside the front cover?’ Harry’s heart missed a beat. ‘That’s my nickname,’ he said.
Red hair, freckles and a cracking sense of humour – must be the Weasleys! Funny definitely runs in this family.
When Ginny’s as lethal with a comeback as she is with a Bat-Bogey Hex
‘You’d think people had better things to gossip about,’ said Ginny, as she sat on the common-room floor, leaning against Harry’s legs and reading the Daily Prophet. ‘Three Dementor attacks in a week, and all Romilda Vane does is ask me if it’s true you’ve got a Hippogriff tattooed across your chest.’ Ron and Hermione both roared with laughter. Harry ignored them. ‘What did you tell her?’ ‘I told her it’s a Hungarian Horntail,’ said Ginny, turning a page of the newspaper idly. ‘Much more macho.’ ‘Thanks,’ said Harry, grinning. ‘And what did you tell her Ron’s got?’ ‘A Pygmy Puff, but I didn’t say where.’
When a Weasley jumper helps you remember who’s who
‘I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid – we know we’re called Gred and Forge.’
When you might as well be wearing an Invisibility Cloak, forget the Weasley jumper
‘A prefect! That’s everyone in the family!’ ‘What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?’ said George indignantly, as his mother pushed him aside and flung her arms around her youngest son.
When you can lose an ear, but never your sense of humour
‘Saint-like,’ repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. ‘You see … I’m holy. Holey, Fred, geddit?’
When Percy got the ambition but missed out on the Weasley funny gene
‘Percy wouldn’t recognise a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby’s tea-cosy.’
When Prefect Percy becomes a Ministry man
‘According to Mr Crouch ... as I was saying to Mr Crouch ... Mr Crouch is of the opinion ... Mr Crouch was telling me ... They’ll be announcing their engagement any day now.'
But of course remind him his boss doesn’t know his name –
‘Oh, shut up, Weatherby,’ said Fred.
When your great-aunt is more cutting than a red-carpet fashion reviewer
‘… and your hair’s much too long, Ronald, for a moment I thought you were Ginevra. Merlin’s beard, what is Xenophilius Lovegood wearing? He looks like an omelette. And who are you?’ she barked at Harry.
Don’t worry where the Snitch is, the real entertainment at every Quidditch game was the hilarious commentary.
When Lee just can’t help but take sides
‘– hit hard in the face by a Bludger, hope it broke his nose – only joking, Professor – Slytherin score – oh no ...’
When Jordan v McGonagall is more interesting than Gryffindor v Slytherin
‘THIRTY–ZERO! TAKE THAT, YOU DIRTY, CHEATING –’ ‘Jordan, if you can’t commentate in an unbiased way –!’ ‘YOU CHEATING SCUM!’ Lee Jordan was howling into the megaphone, dancing out of Professor McGonagall’s reach. ‘YOU FILTHY, CHEATING B–’
And when Lee gets distracted by the players
‘And the Quaffle is taken immediately by Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor – what an excellent Chaser that girl is, and rather attractive, too –’ ‘JORDAN!’ ‘Sorry, Professor.’
When it seems this commentary is sponsored by the Firebolt
‘The Firebolt’s precision-balance is really noticeable in these long –’ ‘JORDAN! ARE YOU BEING PAID TO ADVERTISE FIREBOLTS? GET ON WITH THE COMMENTARY!’
When Luna Lovegood takes the mic but seems overcome with Wrackspurts
‘… but now that big Hufflepuff player’s got the Quaffle from her, I can’t remember his name, it’s something like Bibble – no, Buggins –’ ‘It’s Cadwallader!’ said Professor McGonagall loudly from beside Luna.
When Luna says it how it is
‘Smith was being quite rude about Gryffindor, I expect he regrets that now he’s playing them – oh, look, he’s lost the Quaffle, Ginny took it from him, I do like her, she’s very nice …’
The entire subject is a joke according to Hermione, and it certainly gave us some laughs.
When your Inner Eye needs an eye test
‘I don’t need help,’ Ron whispered. ‘It’s obvious what this means. There’s going to be loads of fog tonight.’
When you discuss your exam answers with a friend and realise you’re getting a Troll
He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he had told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in his crystal ball, only to look up and realise he had been describing his examiner’s reflection.
When even Dumbledore gets it
‘Professor – I was in Divination just now, and – er – I fell asleep.’ He hesitated here, wondering if a reprimand was coming, but Dumbledore merely said, ‘Quite understandable. Continue.’
Some honourable mentions
Try and read this without laughing, we dare you.
When Ron’s impression of Goyle writing lines is on point
‘I … must … not … look … like … a … baboon’s … backside.’
When ‘Mad-Eye’ revolutionised the education system
‘What – what are you doing?’ said Professor McGonagall, her eyes following the bouncing ferret’s progress through the air. ‘Teaching,’ said Moody.
When a cautionary tale makes you think twice
‘Don’t put your wand there, boy!’ roared Moody. ‘What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!’
When Peeves treats us to some poetry
‘Oh, most think he’s barking, the potty wee lad, But some are more kindly and think he’s just sad, But Peevesy knows better and says that he’s mad –’
When you tune in to Potterwatch for the absolute banter
‘Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, but the fact remains he can move faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo when he wants to.’
When Harry proves he is The Sassy One
His Shield Charm was so strong Snape was knocked off-balance and hit a desk. The whole class had looked round and now watched as Snape righted himself, scowling. ‘Do you remember me telling you we are practising non-verbal spells, Potter?’ ‘Yes,’ said Harry stiffly. ‘Yes sir.’ ‘There’s no need to call me “sir”, Professor.’
What are some of your favourite Harry Potter moments?